I Don't Sleep With Ellen

I mapped her freckles with my fingertips. They were too numerous to count, so I fathomed them into constellations only I knew the names of.

She slept like a fairy tale princess, all flowing hair and wistful lashes. Her one quirk, her brilliant eccentricity, were her smiles. Discovered by accident one night, I jumped at them like a kitten with a ball of yarn, spent the whole night coaxing them forth. A finger running down her nose, a breath in her ear, just to watch her face curve into a smile she herself would never see - a smile I told myself wasn't mine.
I expected her to wake, to roll over and squint as she asked what the poking and prodding was for. But she slumbered on, Snow White in her glass coffin.

The other unique thing about Ellen was the fact that she slept - she ALWAYS slept. We would fuck, we would cuddle and she would fall asleep, half on top of me and clinging like a barnacle.
It was unnerving at first, but I grew to like it. She would sleep and I could count the ceiling tiles, make to do lists, and categorize her dreams. I never had to endure morning after small talk, the whole 'what are you doing today' and 'when should we do this again'. I could get dressed in the dark, make myself a snack, gie her a kiss goodnight (or good day, if I put it off long enough).

And then I could spend the day convincing myself it didn't mean anything.

The Past

He said they couldn't marry until the house was finished. So every day that summer, she brought him coffee, then lemonade, then cold beer. She watched while he dug the cellar, then lay down the floor, then put up walls, then raised the roof. And when the windows had glass and the door had a knob, they were married in the backyard, under the elm that had brought them there. When a rain storm blew up during their vows, they said 'I do' in the kitchen, surrounded by family and electric appliances. Thunder struck as they added their names to the family who had started their marriage in the bed her grandfather had built for her grandmother. A rain-soaked sun rose over the labour of his love and the world was a glittering representation of their incandescent happiness.
They should have known it couldn't last.

The Future pt2

River & Indigo
2 peas in a far out pod
Growing up on the back of a Great Dane
With the mountains as their backyard
And a bagel truck as their playground

The Future pt1

I know it's not very nice
but I revel in the looks
the ones when we talk about our plans
The 'is this a joke? Should I laugh along?'
The shoulder pats and 'whatever you say,
You Crazy Kids.'
Or maybe I just log for the part that comes after
the linked hands and shared look
A Promise Reaffirmed

Double Bed

There is something to be said
about a shared bottom bunk
about two hearts beating
on a lumpy mattress
Four hands will fight for the battle worn duvet
but only three feet will be covered

Waking in the night,
with silence you craved during the day,
can be isolating
Much better,
I think,
to have a breath in your left ear

Even if she's on your side

During the day you'll deny
the simple please
Denounce one another as
'Cover Hogs'
Regale the breakfast table
of night time antics
(most of which involve physical violence)

Because what kind of 19 year old
wants to share a double bed?

But when the door is closed
and the lights are off
and two bodies are once more cocooned

Questions are asked & answers are given
Secrets are shared & kept
Two hearts become one
as eyes are closed and minds left to wander
Limbs touch, questing for comfort
and in the soft sighs and quiet dreams
the Truth becomes clear:

This shared bunk bed is like home
a place I am safe
a place I hate to leave

Just don't tell Maddy I said so

New Year's Resolutions

It might be a little early to be contemplating my resolutions for the new year, but it's a little late for this blog, so I think they balance each other out.

Last week I received a letter I wrote during my last Katima-days. The purpose of this letter was to be sent 6 months after the program, reminding ourselves of the stuff we'd learned and wanted to remember. Since I didn't exactly feel like reliving the good times, I used it to outline the things I wanted to accomplish over the next year or so. Included in this text are a few little things that make me shake my head, such as: an inappropriate crush that makes me embarrassed to think about; a pep talk; the conviction to speak more French; and the desire to rule the world.

It came with impeccable timing - I was having issues at work and my past self assure me that I didn't have a take shit from anyone; I considered chopping my hair - again - and my past self told me not to; and my summer travel plans dwindled and I told myself I needed to go.

Lots of things have changed since then too. I realized I like girls, too; I've grown closer to a new friend while I've drifted away from an old one; I have another novel under my belt, co-authored by a great young woman and wonderful friend; I've grown into my skin and it feels great.

I think it's safe to say that my Mid-Year Resolutions and my New Year Resolutions are a circular Venn Diagram. I think it's also safe to say that I'm happy and even though I'm still fumbling through my life, I'm working up to being the best version of myself.

If that doesn't work out, I can always turn to cat burglary.

Insert Appropriate Title Here

I’m gay. Or bi. Or maybe just confused.

My mom says it makes sense, but not to me. I don’t know when admiring Megan Fox in Jennifer’s Body turned into gayness, but it seemed pretty sudden to me. Then again, no one seemed surprised when I ‘came out of the closet’. You would think that a girl who had confessed her love for Chad Michael Murray numerous times would have at least gotten a nonplussed ‘Really?’, but no. Do I send off some sort of vibe?

Whatever. Since I’m trying to ignore­ what other people think of me, so I guess it doesn’t matter if I have a neon sign flashing above my head. What I do care about (forgive the self-importance) is me. My doubts/confusion stem from the fact that I have never had a girl/boyfriend, and thus no experience to draw from. So it’s feasible that this whole argument could be considered moot. But it feels true and that’s all that matters to me.

My other teeny, tiny barrier is that I feel like I don’t deserve it. This sounds stupid, but hear me out. I’ve never been yelled at in Starbucks for holding a girl’s hand, or called a ‘homo’ or ‘dyke’. I’ve never been scared of rejection or violence because of my sexuality. I’m not even an advocate for gay rights. Yes, I believe that everyone should be treated equally and a lot of people are restricted from marrying the partner they chose, but I don’t believe in marriage and the only cause I can really get behind right now is the protection of the environment. How can I stand beside someone who has been the victim of discrimination, hate and ignorance and say that I am like them? It seems the height of pretention and naiveté to say that I, who have lost nothing, could be part of a group that has been so hurt and yet continues to fight for rights that I have taken for granted without question.

I don’t know. Like I said - I’m confused.