When it comes up in conversation I tell people I am a bad liar.
That is a lie.
I know when to lie, how to make you believe, and what to say when you think you're about to be caught.
The things I lie about are ridiculous trivial (seriously, I'm embarrassed thinking about it) and yet I feel so incredibly guilty after the words have parted ways with my mouth. I worry constantly that I'll be caught and have to explain why I did it.
It's embarrassing really.
But I never thought much about it until I read The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. I don't know what made this last lie seem so horrendous, but I think this book had something to do with it. I did what was easy instead of what was right and I was ashamed - AM ashamed. My dilemma wasn't any sort of 'good vs evil' deal, but it hurt someone and that makes it so wrong I feel dirty. I don't want to feel this way anymore or even ever again. I let my fear of disappointing someone allow me to disappoint myself and I will not condone that sort of behavior.
I want to live with integrity, strength of character, honour and honesty. I've allowed myself to become a hypocrite and I won't anymore. I am going to be someone I can be proud of.
One truth, one choice, at a time.
