The Future pt1

I know it's not very nice
but I revel in the looks
the ones when we talk about our plans
The 'is this a joke? Should I laugh along?'
The shoulder pats and 'whatever you say,
You Crazy Kids.'
Or maybe I just log for the part that comes after
the linked hands and shared look
A Promise Reaffirmed

Double Bed

There is something to be said
about a shared bottom bunk
about two hearts beating
on a lumpy mattress
Four hands will fight for the battle worn duvet
but only three feet will be covered

Waking in the night,
with silence you craved during the day,
can be isolating
Much better,
I think,
to have a breath in your left ear

Even if she's on your side

During the day you'll deny
the simple please
Denounce one another as
'Cover Hogs'
Regale the breakfast table
of night time antics
(most of which involve physical violence)

Because what kind of 19 year old
wants to share a double bed?

But when the door is closed
and the lights are off
and two bodies are once more cocooned

Questions are asked & answers are given
Secrets are shared & kept
Two hearts become one
as eyes are closed and minds left to wander
Limbs touch, questing for comfort
and in the soft sighs and quiet dreams
the Truth becomes clear:

This shared bunk bed is like home
a place I am safe
a place I hate to leave

Just don't tell Maddy I said so

New Year's Resolutions

It might be a little early to be contemplating my resolutions for the new year, but it's a little late for this blog, so I think they balance each other out.

Last week I received a letter I wrote during my last Katima-days. The purpose of this letter was to be sent 6 months after the program, reminding ourselves of the stuff we'd learned and wanted to remember. Since I didn't exactly feel like reliving the good times, I used it to outline the things I wanted to accomplish over the next year or so. Included in this text are a few little things that make me shake my head, such as: an inappropriate crush that makes me embarrassed to think about; a pep talk; the conviction to speak more French; and the desire to rule the world.

It came with impeccable timing - I was having issues at work and my past self assure me that I didn't have a take shit from anyone; I considered chopping my hair - again - and my past self told me not to; and my summer travel plans dwindled and I told myself I needed to go.

Lots of things have changed since then too. I realized I like girls, too; I've grown closer to a new friend while I've drifted away from an old one; I have another novel under my belt, co-authored by a great young woman and wonderful friend; I've grown into my skin and it feels great.

I think it's safe to say that my Mid-Year Resolutions and my New Year Resolutions are a circular Venn Diagram. I think it's also safe to say that I'm happy and even though I'm still fumbling through my life, I'm working up to being the best version of myself.

If that doesn't work out, I can always turn to cat burglary.

Insert Appropriate Title Here

I’m gay. Or bi. Or maybe just confused.

My mom says it makes sense, but not to me. I don’t know when admiring Megan Fox in Jennifer’s Body turned into gayness, but it seemed pretty sudden to me. Then again, no one seemed surprised when I ‘came out of the closet’. You would think that a girl who had confessed her love for Chad Michael Murray numerous times would have at least gotten a nonplussed ‘Really?’, but no. Do I send off some sort of vibe?

Whatever. Since I’m trying to ignore­ what other people think of me, so I guess it doesn’t matter if I have a neon sign flashing above my head. What I do care about (forgive the self-importance) is me. My doubts/confusion stem from the fact that I have never had a girl/boyfriend, and thus no experience to draw from. So it’s feasible that this whole argument could be considered moot. But it feels true and that’s all that matters to me.

My other teeny, tiny barrier is that I feel like I don’t deserve it. This sounds stupid, but hear me out. I’ve never been yelled at in Starbucks for holding a girl’s hand, or called a ‘homo’ or ‘dyke’. I’ve never been scared of rejection or violence because of my sexuality. I’m not even an advocate for gay rights. Yes, I believe that everyone should be treated equally and a lot of people are restricted from marrying the partner they chose, but I don’t believe in marriage and the only cause I can really get behind right now is the protection of the environment. How can I stand beside someone who has been the victim of discrimination, hate and ignorance and say that I am like them? It seems the height of pretention and naiveté to say that I, who have lost nothing, could be part of a group that has been so hurt and yet continues to fight for rights that I have taken for granted without question.

I don’t know. Like I said - I’m confused.

Pants on Fire

When it comes up in conversation I tell people I am a bad liar.

That is a lie.

I know when to lie, how to make you believe, and what to say when you think you're about to be caught.
The things I lie about are ridiculous trivial (seriously, I'm embarrassed thinking about it) and yet I feel so incredibly guilty after the words have parted ways with my mouth. I worry constantly that I'll be caught and have to explain why I did it.

It's embarrassing really.

But I never thought much about it until I read The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. I don't know what made this last lie seem so horrendous, but I think this book had something to do with it. I did what was easy instead of what was right and I was ashamed - AM ashamed. My dilemma wasn't any sort of 'good vs evil' deal, but it hurt someone and that makes it so wrong I feel dirty. I don't want to feel this way anymore or even ever again. I let my fear of disappointing someone allow me to disappoint myself and I will not condone that sort of behavior.

I want to live with integrity, strength of character, honour and honesty. I've allowed myself to become a hypocrite and I won't anymore. I am going to be someone I can be proud of.

One truth, one choice, at a time.

Silence

I am clumsy. Ask anyone and they'll tell you: I stumble trhough rooms, over my feet and into awkward situations more often than not. Today, I stubbed my toes no less then 9 times.

But more than even my uncoordinated feet and legs, my tongue is my most clumsy appendage.
My words often trip over themselves in their haste to flee my eagerly parted lips, but my tongue balks at the task, mangling the sounds and syllables until I sound like a lunatic.
To be fair, my tongue is not the only culprit - my racing mind is a gleeful accomplice. Thoughts and feeling pingpong around my cranium, evolving faster than my words can accomodate and second guessing the things I thought I knew.

Nothing makes sense when you can't trust your words; when you can't force your tongue and mind to cooperate long enough to say what has to be said. How can you apologize when your inside voice is telling you you sound idiotic and your mouth refuses to wrap around the necessary sounds? How can you talk about your feelings when you can't raise your voice above a whisper?

I recently spoke with someone about my difficulty with French. They somehow managed to extricate my confession that I don't speak more because I'm afraid of how I sound. This holds true for every aspect of my life.
I want to speak, to yell, to cry, rant and ramble, but I'm afraid of how I sound. I'm shockingly terrified of how I will be percieved for the words I utter.

I am afraid to cry because it will mean I am vulnerable.
I am afraid to scream because it will mean I am noticeable.
My voice is one of my best gifts, but it is also the part of myself I am most afraid of. My voice is an invitation to be seen and I am still to shy to want that.

So don't look at me when I tell you I am broken, because if you can't see the cracks, I can keep pretending they'll be fixed before they're noticed.
But when you look me in the eye, you can't see it, but my heart is pounding in my chest and my survival instincts are telling me to SHUT UP! because if I keep talking, you'll see. You're shining a spotlight on the holes in my armor and I'm naked underneath.
But you barely notice, because you are a normal person and pulling words out of your mouth is not some kind of insane Herculean effort. But for me, it's like sucking snake vemon from an open wound.

I wish I could throw words like harpoons, landing gracefully and effortlessly on a target of my choosing, but for now, I'm stuck on a merry-go-round of doubt and fear and I can't find the E-brake.

Maybe you can shine the spotlight there for once, hey?

When you say the sky is everywhere, you're thinking of the prairies

Days like today make me want to barrel up a mountain, fly to the top of a tree and scream at the top of my lungs.And then, fearless as the sun makes me feel, I will jump out of my tree and run mad through the forest.

The sun soaks into my pores and floods my bloodstream, shooting straight for my heart, until every pulse beats light through my skin.

It feels like my lungs are going to bust open, because my mouth can't gasp down enough oxygen to please them.

I can count these mind blowing moments on one hand. Since coming here, the weather has been painfully gray, but days like today make me want to jump for joy and sing like a loonie-toon.

Maybe spring really has sprung.